Innocence and Vulnerability

Do you remember your first love? Do you remember the heartbreak afterward? Do you remember losing a bit of something precious, something innocent when that first love washed away into the past?

Usually we encounter first love as an adolescent, and consequently our first heartbreak afterward. For most it is part of the mark of passage from child to adult and we learn things from that first experience. After the heartache has disappeared, some still hold on to the intangible belief of soul mates and say words like “forever”, “always” and “meant to be” without a bitter undertone. Some do not; which doesn’t mean they don’t believe in love and happiness, but their view of the world is a bit tainted with the knowledge that sometimes love doesn’t last. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

Most have experienced love/heartbreak multiple times by the time they are in their 30s. I have experienced it once. I have only loved one man in my life and my heart broke with it’s ending. For so long I lived in a world where I only had experienced love, and so I believed in forever after, why wouldn’t I? But when you live in a bubble made of glass, it doesn’t take much for the world to shatter it when it has a mind to.

While I lost my innocence a long time ago, there is a feeling of losing something precious and innocent with the end of my first love. And now I feel a bit vulnerable to a world that is a bit harsh and a bit mean and a bit unfeeling. I feel like a dam has broken inside of me and I am clamoring to close it back up to no avail. But I am coming to terms with being lost, to being vulnerable to the senses, to being accepting of finding myself washed away downstream. To see that the world has more to offer me and if I don’t close my eyes I will see something spectacular along the way.

A Day of Love

While it never bothered me not to receive flowers (although flowers would have been lovely), chocolate or even a card for V day, I have celebrated this day for a decade and a half. To now be single and without someone special to celebrate the day with… is… strange. While I can understand why some may dislike this day, accentuating that “single” status in a lonely light, I find though, I do not feel any bitterness or resentment. Yes, if you are attentive you might see a shadow of sadness reflected in my eyes, and even though I won’t be in love today, it is still a day of Love.

So to those of you who are able to celebrate Valentine’s Day with that special someone, I say go ahead and ignore the rest of the world while you can and I wish you a fabulous day.

And for myself, well, I have Love in my heart and maybe in the future I too can ignore the world and share that Love with my beloved.

Yes, I Can. Yes, I Will. Yes.

The gravity of a painful past and an unknown future pushes on me, and I in turn push back.

Be it good or bad, fate or not, this is life and I shall take whatever life wants to throw at me. I will be grateful for the things I have and while this was not where I wanted to be, maybe this is an opportunity to do… ANYTHING.

So I am going to try to do the things I thought I couldn’t do, but want to. Which means trying to become an artist, travel and leave my heart open to love again.

Maybe, just maybe, this is where I’m suppose to be. So, following the lead of a persuasive friend, I am going to say YES! Yes to all life has to offer because Life is too short.

Lets talk about…

Sex. I believe it is important in a relationship. I believe it can strengthen bonds between two people. It can also gauge how healthy a relationship is. But this post isn’t about sex. It is about the touch from that significant other. And for me, sometimes it can mean more then sex.

A light touch while walking by, saying hello
A pinch in jest, a joke only the two of you know
A deep embrace after time away, drinking each other in
A hand to hold your hand down the lane
A kiss, soft or hard, sweet or passionate, where only the two of you exist
A body to wrap around you when you get sad, hurt, depressed
A touch, that speaks love without needing the words

Many times all it takes is a loving embrace to make it all right. To be without that touch to love me, to bathe me in warmth and please me … I find myself drifting, with no anchor to hold me, no sail to see me to shore.

Waiting for life to fill in the emptiness

Something tonight changed in me. I discovered the end of us and I thought it would be too hard to bare, but I only feel… empty. As a friend told me, I guess I’m just too willful to give up on myself.

I look forward to getting back to my art. Give me a few more weeks to settle into a new place and I will post something new.

And who knows, maybe I’ll have a winter fling.