Category Archives: My Life

San Diego Comic Con 2011

This was my very first Con. It was a very entertaining, memorable and unique experience. While I am familiar with movies, tv series, comics, video games, I did realize that I certainly do not have the level of obsession that many of the people at the Con had. Twilight fans are a prime example as they waited days to get into their panel. The George R.R. Martin panel also had people waiting all day and even after all that wait, thousands didn’t get in. But I did get to see some panels, preview some upcoming movies and went to the panel for Batman: Year One, where they showed the full animated movie.

And it was a spectacular place for people watching. I found I really enjoyed walking around the Exhibit Hall where the vendors plied their wares and where the majority of the people in costume were strutting around. And yes, I did wear a costume. I made a trip to the other coast for a Comic Con convention, of course I would have a costume. I had people ask to take my picture, I was hit on a few times and one guy told me he loved me. In no way common, I found it was flattering and uncomfortable at the same time.

Would I go again? No…unless I lived there. If I lived there I could see myself get a 1 day pass (instead of 4 days) and get in costume, see a panel or two, walk the Exhibit Hall and spend the evening in downtown. But I am told Comic Con is quite different from Dragon Con…maybe I’ll visit Dragon Con, who knows.


A real post, a glimpse into my life and a costume

Not counting the occasional song posting, which takes no effort, it has been quite some time since I’ve written on my blog.

Life has been on the move, a roller coaster ride, and I don’t know who’s running the controls. I’ve had highs that make me think I will eventually get everything I want and I’ve had lows that bring me to my knees, making me question everything I am and everything I do.

Life now? I paint, I dance, I travel when I can afford it, I spend time with friends. And I think… I think about moving out of state, I think about having kids, I think about my past and my future, I think about pain, passion, connection, letting go, I think about love.

I find life bitter AND sweet, but I am grateful. Grateful for everyone who loves me, supports me and believes in me. I am grateful that divorce did not crush my spirit and my hope. I am grateful that no matter how low I get, I find the strength to get back up, to see the beauty around me, to follow whatever path life takes me, even if it isn’t the one I planned for.

To end, I shall add two pictures. The first is a photo I took while in California a few months ago and the second is a photo of a costume I shall be wearing when I go back to California in a few weeks for Comic Con.



Nature Take Me

Let the fiery sun burn me

Let the crashing ocean drown me

Let the fertile earth bury me

Let your nature take all of me

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Fuckin Perfect

I have fallen in love with this song. When I sing it, I feel like I am singing to that insecure, lost girl inside of me and singing this is a reminder to her that she is fuckin perfect.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that’s alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss ‘No way, it’s all good’, it didn’t slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look I’m still around.

Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel.
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect.
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel, like you’re nothing.
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me!

You’re so mean, when you talk, about yourself you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head, make them like you instead.
So complicated, look happy, you’ll make it!
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.
It’s enough! I’ve done all I can think of.
Chased down all my demons, i’ve seen you do the same.

Woah ohh, pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel.
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect.
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel, like you’re nothing.
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me.

The whole world’s scared so I swallow the fear.
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it’s a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they’re everywhere.
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair.
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time.
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby!
Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel.
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect.
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel.
Like you’re nothing, you’re fuckin’ perfect to me yeahhh.
You’re perfect, you’re perfect!
Oh pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel.
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect.
Pretty please, if you ever ever feel, like you’re nothing.
You are perfect to me…


Let Go

Easy to say, easy to write.
Simple concept, simple words.

Let Go. How do I let go?

Can I cut up those words and swallow them into my being?
Can I paint those words on my body and have them seep into my soul?

Let go of what was.
Let go of who I was.
Let go and just be.

So easy. So simple.

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Spring Cleaning of my Psyche

I feel a need to do some spring cleaning of my mind, body and heart. Possibly I am breaking out of yet another cocoon, but I will do what I feel I need to, as I keep living. Like deleting my old blog and moving it to here, without telling anyone I know personally.

My mind has been filled with a bit of anxiety about life, purpose, love, happiness, peace, friendship. I don’t really see this changing, but I’m trying to let go and just accept that I can only be where I’m suppose to be.

My body, I have been treating somewhat badly. I need to intake more fruit, vegetables, water, exercise and less alcohol and late nights.

My heart, oh my heart. I have been angry, depressed, broken, lost. I’ve let myself feel passion, connection, but oh am I wary of letting anyone in too close. I want love, yes, I would let it burn and consume me again, but I don’t know if I’m even capable of a real relationship right now because like my blog name says, I need to find some Inner Love for myself first.


Innocence and Vulnerability

Do you remember your first love? Do you remember the heartbreak afterward? Do you remember losing a bit of something precious, something innocent when that first love washed away into the past?

Usually we encounter first love as an adolescent, and consequently our first heartbreak afterward. For most it is part of the mark of passage from child to adult and we learn things from that first experience. After the heartache has disappeared, some still hold on to the intangible belief of soul mates and say words like “forever”, “always” and “meant to be” without a bitter undertone. Some do not; which doesn’t mean they don’t believe in love and happiness, but their view of the world is a bit tainted with the knowledge that sometimes love doesn’t last. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

Most have experienced love/heartbreak multiple times by the time they are in their 30s. I have experienced it once. I have only loved one man in my life and my heart broke with it’s ending. For so long I lived in a world where I only had experienced love, and so I believed in forever after, why wouldn’t I? But when you live in a bubble made of glass, it doesn’t take much for the world to shatter it when it has a mind to.

While I lost my innocence a long time ago, there is a feeling of losing something precious and innocent with the end of my first love. And now I feel a bit vulnerable to a world that is a bit harsh and a bit mean and a bit unfeeling. I feel like a dam has broken inside of me and I am clamoring to close it back up to no avail. But I am coming to terms with being lost, to being vulnerable to the senses, to being accepting of finding myself washed away downstream. To see that the world has more to offer me and if I don’t close my eyes I will see something spectacular along the way.