Tag Archives: life

A real post, a glimpse into my life and a costume

Not counting the occasional song posting, which takes no effort, it has been quite some time since I’ve written on my blog.

Life has been on the move, a roller coaster ride, and I don’t know who’s running the controls. I’ve had highs that make me think I will eventually get everything I want and I’ve had lows that bring me to my knees, making me question everything I am and everything I do.

Life now? I paint, I dance, I travel when I can afford it, I spend time with friends. And I think… I think about moving out of state, I think about having kids, I think about my past and my future, I think about pain, passion, connection, letting go, I think about love.

I find life bitter AND sweet, but I am grateful. Grateful for everyone who loves me, supports me and believes in me. I am grateful that divorce did not crush my spirit and my hope. I am grateful that no matter how low I get, I find the strength to get back up, to see the beauty around me, to follow whatever path life takes me, even if it isn’t the one I planned for.

To end, I shall add two pictures. The first is a photo I took while in California a few months ago and the second is a photo of a costume I shall be wearing when I go back to California in a few weeks for Comic Con.


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Yes, I Can. Yes, I Will. Yes.

The gravity of a painful past and an unknown future pushes on me, and I in turn push back.

Be it good or bad, fate or not, this is life and I shall take whatever life wants to throw at me. I will be grateful for the things I have and while this was not where I wanted to be, maybe this is an opportunity to do… ANYTHING.

So I am going to try to do the things I thought I couldn’t do, but want to. Which means trying to become an artist, travel and leave my heart open to love again.

Maybe, just maybe, this is where I’m suppose to be. So, following the lead of a persuasive friend, I am going to say YES! Yes to all life has to offer because Life is too short.


One goal until the end of the year

I don’t want to reevaluate my life. I don’t want to feel these overwhelming emotions inside of me. I don’t want to deal with being alone and starting over. I don’t want to figure out how to expel the man who pervades my existence.

So until the new year, I will give myself only one “goal”. Stay Distracted.

Which is why today I picked up a second job. I guess I should feel good about it, or if not, at least stay distracted by it.


Another conversation to Myself from Self

Self: It has been so long, I’m sorry.
Myself: It doesn’t matter, I will always love you and be here when you need me.

Self: I’m trying so hard, but still I get overcome with sorrow, loneliness and fear.
Myself: I know. And you can’t run from them. Instead, when they come by, let them overtake you and be that much stronger each time they release you.

Self: What is wrong with me? I didn’t get abused, I didn’t get cancer, I didn’t lose a child. I only had my heart broken. I feel so selfish to not be happy with the life I have.
Myself: We all go through our own trials. Be grateful for what you have, don’t get comfortable with the hurt and darkness, but do not think less of yourself for the way you are feeling.

Self: Where do I go from here?
Myself: You don’t need to know the answer right now. And maybe it doesn’t matter. Take one day, one moment and if you must, one breath at a time.


Vulnerability

Vulnerability can be… scary

Vulnerability can be… difficult

Vulnerability can be… disarming

We are a lonely lot, but we don’t have to be.

We want to connect with others, to have friends, to feel appreciated, to be loved. But first we must pull down those walls. The ones that protect us against disappointment, pain and rejection. It keeps us from being hurt because we know how it feels to be let down, left in the dark. But if we never let down our walls and be vulnerable, then we lose out on joy, laughter and love.


Waiting for life to fill in the emptiness

Something tonight changed in me. I discovered the end of us and I thought it would be too hard to bare, but I only feel… empty. As a friend told me, I guess I’m just too willful to give up on myself.

I look forward to getting back to my art. Give me a few more weeks to settle into a new place and I will post something new.

And who knows, maybe I’ll have a winter fling.


Losing hope to the practical.

I believe in hope. Hope that I will become an artist, hope that I would be with the man I love, hope that my life would be filled with happiness. I believed it so much that I almost tattooed it on me.

But as I am filled with sorrow and the darkness keeps stealing pieces of me, I find hope to be an ethereal concept that has no place in the real world and is losing ground inside of me. It has no voice to encourage me, no body to keep me warm at night, no words to whisper love to me.

Why not instead be practical. It resides in the brain and not the heart, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about losing myself. Practical would having me painting because I enjoy it and without grandeur thoughts beyond my reach. Practical would have me moving on and letting my heart heal. Practical would have me enjoying the life I am given.

So why can’t I get rid of this hope that will only end up filling me with sadness and grief, and just be practical.