Category Archives: Ramblings

A real post, a glimpse into my life and a costume

Not counting the occasional song posting, which takes no effort, it has been quite some time since I’ve written on my blog.

Life has been on the move, a roller coaster ride, and I don’t know who’s running the controls. I’ve had highs that make me think I will eventually get everything I want and I’ve had lows that bring me to my knees, making me question everything I am and everything I do.

Life now? I paint, I dance, I travel when I can afford it, I spend time with friends. And I think… I think about moving out of state, I think about having kids, I think about my past and my future, I think about pain, passion, connection, letting go, I think about love.

I find life bitter AND sweet, but I am grateful. Grateful for everyone who loves me, supports me and believes in me. I am grateful that divorce did not crush my spirit and my hope. I am grateful that no matter how low I get, I find the strength to get back up, to see the beauty around me, to follow whatever path life takes me, even if it isn’t the one I planned for.

To end, I shall add two pictures. The first is a photo I took while in California a few months ago and the second is a photo of a costume I shall be wearing when I go back to California in a few weeks for Comic Con.


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Spring Cleaning of my Psyche

I feel a need to do some spring cleaning of my mind, body and heart. Possibly I am breaking out of yet another cocoon, but I will do what I feel I need to, as I keep living. Like deleting my old blog and moving it to here, without telling anyone I know personally.

My mind has been filled with a bit of anxiety about life, purpose, love, happiness, peace, friendship. I don’t really see this changing, but I’m trying to let go and just accept that I can only be where I’m suppose to be.

My body, I have been treating somewhat badly. I need to intake more fruit, vegetables, water, exercise and less alcohol and late nights.

My heart, oh my heart. I have been angry, depressed, broken, lost. I’ve let myself feel passion, connection, but oh am I wary of letting anyone in too close. I want love, yes, I would let it burn and consume me again, but I don’t know if I’m even capable of a real relationship right now because like my blog name says, I need to find some Inner Love for myself first.


A Day of Love

While it never bothered me not to receive flowers (although flowers would have been lovely), chocolate or even a card for V day, I have celebrated this day for a decade and a half. To now be single and without someone special to celebrate the day with… is… strange. While I can understand why some may dislike this day, accentuating that “single” status in a lonely light, I find though, I do not feel any bitterness or resentment. Yes, if you are attentive you might see a shadow of sadness reflected in my eyes, and even though I won’t be in love today, it is still a day of Love.

So to those of you who are able to celebrate Valentine’s Day with that special someone, I say go ahead and ignore the rest of the world while you can and I wish you a fabulous day.

And for myself, well, I have Love in my heart and maybe in the future I too can ignore the world and share that Love with my beloved.


Day 09: What is on my wishlist

I’m ranking them by probability to come true

iPhone
Verizon finally has it available, so when it comes time to renew I will get one.

Weekend trip to St. Augustine
Just thought it would be a fun road trip and I’ve never visited before.

Nookcolor
I love to read but I do not love to pack, move and unpack boxes of books (which I have done too many times to count). And I like gadgets.

Lion King on Broadway
I’ve seen several plays, Les Miserable and Phantom of the Opera being my favorites, but I’ve wanted to see this one for several years and haven’t gotten a chance yet.

3 day trip to New York to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art
While I would take a much longer trip to New York if I could, I would be very pleased to go just to visit the MET. And I could most certainly spend ALL 3 days there just visiting the museum.

Lollapalooza in Chicago
I love music

Cook a complete Thanksgiving Dinner
I only just recently discovered that I enjoy cooking quite a lot, when done with and for others. Maybe a future significant other can help me make a fabulous (or not burnt) Thanksgiving dinner one day.

Learn the Violin
I used to play the piano for several years when I was very young, but I have always loved the sound of the violin. I’m sure my neighbors would not be pleased if I tried learning to play now.

Trip to Korea
Although I don’t speak the language, of course I want to visit the country where I was born. Why I put this last though is because it is almost literally on the other side of the world and if I’m going to go visit, it is going to be more then just for a few days. So, not possible for me to pull off this trip anytime in the near future.


Day 3: A hobby of mine

A hobby I’ve done since high school: reading

A hobby I stopped doing, but would like to pick up again in the future: cooking

A hobby I started last year: blogging

And the hobby I like the most, but get easily frustrated with: painting


Vulnerability

Vulnerability can be… scary

Vulnerability can be… difficult

Vulnerability can be… disarming

We are a lonely lot, but we don’t have to be.

We want to connect with others, to have friends, to feel appreciated, to be loved. But first we must pull down those walls. The ones that protect us against disappointment, pain and rejection. It keeps us from being hurt because we know how it feels to be let down, left in the dark. But if we never let down our walls and be vulnerable, then we lose out on joy, laughter and love.


Courage Quotes

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it with use.
– Ruth Gordon

Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
– Oliver Goldsmith

Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.
– Alice M. Swaim