Tag Archives: emotions

A real post, a glimpse into my life and a costume

Not counting the occasional song posting, which takes no effort, it has been quite some time since I’ve written on my blog.

Life has been on the move, a roller coaster ride, and I don’t know who’s running the controls. I’ve had highs that make me think I will eventually get everything I want and I’ve had lows that bring me to my knees, making me question everything I am and everything I do.

Life now? I paint, I dance, I travel when I can afford it, I spend time with friends. And I think… I think about moving out of state, I think about having kids, I think about my past and my future, I think about pain, passion, connection, letting go, I think about love.

I find life bitter AND sweet, but I am grateful. Grateful for everyone who loves me, supports me and believes in me. I am grateful that divorce did not crush my spirit and my hope. I am grateful that no matter how low I get, I find the strength to get back up, to see the beauty around me, to follow whatever path life takes me, even if it isn’t the one I planned for.

To end, I shall add two pictures. The first is a photo I took while in California a few months ago and the second is a photo of a costume I shall be wearing when I go back to California in a few weeks for Comic Con.


Another conversation to Myself from Self

Self: It has been so long, I’m sorry.
Myself: It doesn’t matter, I will always love you and be here when you need me.

Self: I’m trying so hard, but still I get overcome with sorrow, loneliness and fear.
Myself: I know. And you can’t run from them. Instead, when they come by, let them overtake you and be that much stronger each time they release you.

Self: What is wrong with me? I didn’t get abused, I didn’t get cancer, I didn’t lose a child. I only had my heart broken. I feel so selfish to not be happy with the life I have.
Myself: We all go through our own trials. Be grateful for what you have, don’t get comfortable with the hurt and darkness, but do not think less of yourself for the way you are feeling.

Self: Where do I go from here?
Myself: You don’t need to know the answer right now. And maybe it doesn’t matter. Take one day, one moment and if you must, one breath at a time.

Where does that leave me?

I give you everything of me, body and soul. I give darkness and light and all the in-between.
I hear you say no, on repeat. I hear no, to the rhythm of my heart beat.

You say you want to stand alone. You say you want friendship, nothing more.
You want your words and poetry. You want sex and revelry.

So where does that leave me but heartsick, dealing with my love that won’t stop burning.

Death of a Teenage Dream and a Crossroad

When I was 16 I feel in love. I believed in soul mates and forever after. Today I love a man who doesn’t exist anymore. I have to face the full truth though, who we are now, there is no love for either of us.

So half of my life later, my marriage and those dreams of a 16 year old girl have died. And like with any death, I will mourn. I will mourn something beautiful and something horrible.

I stand at a crossroad.

I have fleeting thoughts of holding onto the angry and pain and wearing my broken heart as a badge. To burn all the bridges left between us and claim my independence with fury and passion.

Instead I have left the door open for friendship, but it isn’t just for him. It is also for those friendships that I have always let slip me by before.

And to those current friends who have come out of the woodwork to show their love, I will say thank you because I will need that support. You will never know what it means to me to have you in my life.

So I say goodbye to ALL that was. May you rest in peace.

Changing Me

Dear self,

I need to Change (with a capital C). This has been a brutal week and I’ve come to realize there are things I need to do for myself, no one else will do it for me. I had thoughts this morning of starting a new blog, an anonymous one, but I’ve put a lot of effort into this one and I’m ever a practical girl. Besides, I don’t need to hide away with a new blog like I hide in the beginning. I originally started this blog as a sanctuary for things I needed to say, things I needed to deal with. It helped and I’m stronger then I was when I started this blog, but I still need this sanctuary. Yes, maybe weak of me to need it, but I have to start somewhere and I understand. I’m still not the person and not in the place I want to be, but I believe I can get there. So here I am exclaiming: I’m through feeling lost. I’m through feeling guilty. I’m through being this girl with paper walls. So what if this is not where I thought I would be. So what if I’m not someone’s everything. So what if I don’t get told I’m beautiful or smart or funny. So what if I get scared, lonely and lost. So what if I get angry, frustrated and down. I’m more then the parts. I’m more then this. I don’t know how hard it will be for me. I don’t know how much I will have to change to be strong and healthy. I don’t know and not knowing is super scary. There is no safety net below me, there is no forever after ahead of me. But I have do this and maybe I will surprise myself and find someone amazing or at least someone I can live with. So today I empty out my mind, my heart, my soul. Today, I move forward.

Goodbye self. Hello Self.

Some Days

Some days I have given every part of my self
willing to give my every last breath
no questions or doubts

Some days I want to rip my self to pieces
so there is nothing left to find
of who this person was

Some days I give no thoughts to this life
I let the sun hit me body and mind
and I smile to my self

Some days I feel the world crash
and I cry my self to sleep

Some days I am
a master juggler

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Breaking Point

When someone dies, it is tragic. All the possibilities vanish. Love, pain, happiness, failure, success, family, friendship; all these will disappear, or never even get a chance to come to pass. However, is suicide even more tragic because they willing took away those possibilities? That all they see is darkness and the only escape (freedom?) is death?

Why does one person break while another in a similar situation does not? Are they missing a vital trait: strength, perseverance, optimism, hope? Is it something that can be learned, to bend to the demands and hardship of life, to take the pain and agony and move on, to carry the sad, awful, heartbreaking moments and still have room for the good ones?

Everyone has been humiliated, hurt, pushed down. Do you take those moments and learn from them, grow from them, be a better person because of them?

As the saying goes: Life isn’t fair. Life doesn’t give us second chances, but the scars you carry, inside and out, don’t have to bleed continuously.

There is no national data, but I believe the statistic is 1 out of 4 people will attempt to commit suicide. That is a terribly sad statistic. Personally I have known several people who have tried, but thankfully were unsuccessful. Outsiders can look on and wonder why, they had smiles on their faces, they had friends, family, the future ahead of them. I don’t wonder.

I have seen and touched, NO, I have been fully immersed in my darkness and it is a painful and lonely place. I still carry things around with me that come upon me at random moments that dim the lights and cast shadows. It seems that sometimes I conjure up the shadows purposefully to hurt myself and take pleasure in this self inflicting pain. I stare out of myself and exam the failures and the missteps, ponder over the choices I’ve made. While I have dragged myself through the dirt, I kept going. I kept reaching out… I keep reaching out… for love, for peace of mind, for forgiveness, for hope. I have changed, more inside than out, but change was needed. It was vital to moving forward and living my life.

Life is a beautiful struggle. It is a choice to live and that means to take it all or nothing.

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