Wanting comes in waves

 

Oh yes, the wanting comes in waves…

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Let Go

Easy to say, easy to write.
Simple concept, simple words.

Let Go. How do I let go?

Can I cut up those words and swallow them into my being?
Can I paint those words on my body and have them seep into my soul?

Let go of what was.
Let go of who I was.
Let go and just be.

So easy. So simple.

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Spring Cleaning of my Psyche

I feel a need to do some spring cleaning of my mind, body and heart. Possibly I am breaking out of yet another cocoon, but I will do what I feel I need to, as I keep living. Like deleting my old blog and moving it to here, without telling anyone I know personally.

My mind has been filled with a bit of anxiety about life, purpose, love, happiness, peace, friendship. I don’t really see this changing, but I’m trying to let go and just accept that I can only be where I’m suppose to be.

My body, I have been treating somewhat badly. I need to intake more fruit, vegetables, water, exercise and less alcohol and late nights.

My heart, oh my heart. I have been angry, depressed, broken, lost. I’ve let myself feel passion, connection, but oh am I wary of letting anyone in too close. I want love, yes, I would let it burn and consume me again, but I don’t know if I’m even capable of a real relationship right now because like my blog name says, I need to find some Inner Love for myself first.


Anthem

…There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in…

 


An Artistically Inclined Bucket List

Instead of making a normal bucket list, I decided to make one focused on ART.

1. Draw something once a month.

2. Paint a canvas bigger than me. (which isn’t all that big)

3. Paint the wall

4. Learn about artists

5. Take a pottery class

6. Learn watercolors

7. Participate in an art festival

8. Get into a museum

9. Paint something for each of my closest friends

10. To never stop creating art


Innocence and Vulnerability

Do you remember your first love? Do you remember the heartbreak afterward? Do you remember losing a bit of something precious, something innocent when that first love washed away into the past?

Usually we encounter first love as an adolescent, and consequently our first heartbreak afterward. For most it is part of the mark of passage from child to adult and we learn things from that first experience. After the heartache has disappeared, some still hold on to the intangible belief of soul mates and say words like “forever”, “always” and “meant to be” without a bitter undertone. Some do not; which doesn’t mean they don’t believe in love and happiness, but their view of the world is a bit tainted with the knowledge that sometimes love doesn’t last. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

Most have experienced love/heartbreak multiple times by the time they are in their 30s. I have experienced it once. I have only loved one man in my life and my heart broke with it’s ending. For so long I lived in a world where I only had experienced love, and so I believed in forever after, why wouldn’t I? But when you live in a bubble made of glass, it doesn’t take much for the world to shatter it when it has a mind to.

While I lost my innocence a long time ago, there is a feeling of losing something precious and innocent with the end of my first love. And now I feel a bit vulnerable to a world that is a bit harsh and a bit mean and a bit unfeeling. I feel like a dam has broken inside of me and I am clamoring to close it back up to no avail. But I am coming to terms with being lost, to being vulnerable to the senses, to being accepting of finding myself washed away downstream. To see that the world has more to offer me and if I don’t close my eyes I will see something spectacular along the way.


Arcade Fire: Suburbs

I’ve been a fan of Arcade Fire for a few years now and have been waiting for an opportunity to see them in concert. I own all of their albums, Neon Bible being my favorite, followed by Funeral. I downloaded their newest album, Suburbs, as soon as it was released, but never really got a chance to get a thorough listen. Suburbs has just won Album of the Year and it is about time I gave some real quality time listening to it… and undoubtedly I’m sure I will love it. Already found one song I love off the album, Ready to Start, but mostly because of personal reasons. I really like the sound of Half Light I & II.

Businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids in art school said they would
And I guess I’ll just begin again
You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would
And if I was bored, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I’m not

All the kids have always known
That the emperor wears no clothes
But to bow down to them anyway
Is better than to be alone

If I was scared, I would
And if I was bored, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I’m not

Now you’re knocking at my door
Saying please come out with us tonight
But I would rather be alone
Than pretend I feel alright

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids in art school said they would
Then I guess I’ll just begin again
You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I’m not

Now I’m Ready to Start

If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I’m not

Now I’m Ready to Start

Now I’m Ready to Start
I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I’m ready to start

Now I’m Ready to Start
My mind is open wide
Now I’m Ready to Start
Not sure you’ll open the door
To step out into the dark
Now I’m ready!