Irretrievably Broken

Our lives, irretrievably broken. Divorce.

How we ended up here, maybe I could trace back all the reasons why, maybe not. We became separate beings, no longer one joined in everything. Was it my fault, yours, just what happens in life? I’ve made many mistakes, regrets I could wallow and drown in; mistakes with you. You believed I did things I never did, but does it matter? In broken trust and truth, you left changed and unforgiving. You held onto the past, the pain, stayed rigid that we couldn’t work. I’m not the only one who made mistakes though. You became a cold, dark abyss sitting across from me, staring back at me, lying in bed next to me. Now you are the one who doesn’t love me, stated plainly, you want freedom and to be with other women. So I give you your freedom, your divorce and now I feel unforgiving.

Silly and sad, we are the like the goldilocks story, just reversed. Perfect at first, then too little, then too much. Strange after so many years what is left between us. You gave me so much, but in the end all I feel is this burning scar across my heart.

I stopped loving myself to love you. Now I stand alone and I want nothing more to do with you.

You are no longer the beloved in my heart
You are no longer the lover in my bed
You are the past that can’t change
You are just the devil in my head
You can stay locked inside
You wanted to lose me
And so you have

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About Inner Love

I want: Passion. Desire. To create Cosmos. I want: Expression. Depth. Meaning. I want: Joy. Laughter. Love. I want: Life. View all posts by Inner Love

5 responses to “Irretrievably Broken

  • IzaakMak

    Very moving, and oh how I can relate. But your “You are just the devil in my head” line got me to thinking… She’s been gone from my life for years, yet she’s still a constant in my dreams at night. Is it the same for you?

    • Suzanne

      Ahh… dreams, how cruel they can be sometimes. I used to have dreams of him still with me, real enough to shatter me when I woke and realized the truth. But as I push him down under the surface, what rises instead are my own insecurities… finding the strength to move on from the pain, finding the will to laugh and love again, finding a purpose that belongs only to me and overcoming the fear that I will fail miserably. Those are the ones that haunt me at night.

  • Jen

    This was very moving! Please remember you are never alone. We are all here for you! You are beautiful, talented and strong woman! You push through the pain, you will learn to love and laugh again! You find your purpose! And I for one will always be here to lend you my strength and support!

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