I need to Change (with a capital C). This has been a brutal week and I’ve come to realize there are things I need to do for myself, no one else will do it for me. I had thoughts this morning of starting a new blog, an anonymous one, but I’ve put a lot of effort into this one and I’m ever a practical girl. Besides, I don’t need to hide away with a new blog like I hide in the beginning. I originally started this blog as a sanctuary for things I needed to say, things I needed to deal with. It helped and I’m stronger then I was when I started this blog, but I still need this sanctuary. Yes, maybe weak of me to need it, but I have to start somewhere and I understand. I’m still not the person and not in the place I want to be, but I believe I can get there. So here I am exclaiming: I’m through feeling lost. I’m through feeling guilty. I’m through being this girl with paper walls. So what if this is not where I thought I would be. So what if I’m not someone’s everything. So what if I don’t get told I’m beautiful or smart or funny. So what if I get scared, lonely and lost. So what if I get angry, frustrated and down. I’m more then the parts. I’m more then this. I don’t know how hard it will be for me. I don’t know how much I will have to change to be strong and healthy. I don’t know and not knowing is super scary. There is no safety net below me, there is no forever after ahead of me. But I have do this and maybe I will surprise myself and find someone amazing or at least someone I can live with. So today I empty out my mind, my heart, my soul. Today, I move forward.
Goodbye self. Hello Self.