Changing habits, changing styles, changing thoughts, changing life. Reshape. Different. Adjust. Replace. Transform. Change.
Lately when someone (even myself) says something about the way I am or the way I do things, I get this great urge to start doing the opposite. To change. To not be defined. To not be stagnant. To be someone different. To be someone new.
But changing everything isn’t going to get me anywhere and constant change would probably be exhausting to the mind and soul. So I’m trying to work out in my mind what it means to change and why I feel the need.
Am I changing for me? Am I changing for you? What defines me? Is it fear that moves me? Is it insecurity? Am I changing into a better person or am I just circling around to the same point?
I didn’t cook. I didn’t workout. I didn’t feel jealousy. I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t share my feelings. A few things that have changed. It feels like a challenge to what I can do and what I can be. Obviously thinking too hard has effected me. Now it is harder to just be.
After all that, I know in the end it isn’t “change” I am looking for. It is growth. Growing into someone deeper. Someone who I can proud to be. Loyal, honest, compassionate, true. Someone who can fill her life with love, happiness, friendship, joy. Someone strong enough not to be buried by the pain, jealousy, flaws, disappointments.